Precedence
Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about the way my life has changed over the years. How different have I become? How have my priorities changed? Are my goals different? Am I any closer to achieving them?
I’m not sure if this has anything to do with me being in my 30s. There’s been a few times where the thought has occured to me that I’m afraid I’ll come to the end of my life (whenever that may be) and find that I haven’t done everything I’ve wanted to do that I could have done. How many of these things are just mere wishes versus an actual emotional need?
There are several people I’ve known throughout my life that know I am prone to disappearing. That I’m prone to want to disappear and leave no trace that I was ever here nor there – sometimes I have a strong desire to disappear and leave no clue as to where I’ve gone. I go back and forth – a debate inside my head – about whether I would ever feel at peace anywhere I went. It tends to tell me that being at peace and feeling “at home” is a mental space versus a physical need to belong somewhere; to be able to plant one’s own two feet solidly in one place; to be constantly surrounded by familiarity.
That seems “normal” to me. But it also seems like something I’m uncomfortable with.
Does it have to do with maybe not fully knowing what I want from my own life or where I want my own life to be?
Maybe. Though I think it has more to do with my mind not being idle. There’s so much I want from my own life; so much I want to experience; so much I want to be. The very idea of answering the question “what do you want to be when you grow up?” makes me feel dizzy because I know I would never, and have never, had just one answer.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about taking 2 months off from school in order to travel and roadtrip throughout the deep south. To work on picture stories. To document. To live. To have my body and my mind live at a speed to which I’m accustomed to.
